It is an odd feeling to be a parent and yet have no child at home. Kris and I have settled back into a revised version of our pre-pregnancy life: cooking meals together, barbeques in the park, going out with friends, sharing a bottle of wine on the couch while we watch the Phillies or a movie. And yet, there exists in the world a tiny little person to whom we gave life. We have a son. Sometimes we will just look at each other in disbelief and say it: "we have a son!" It never ceases to cause nervous giggles. But our son doesn't live at home yet, and so accompanying this giddy feeling of new parenthood is a distict sense of his absence. Of course we can visit him whenever we like, but it isn't the same as having him napping just upstairs in his nursery. I am a dad and yet not fully a dad. I can't wrap my head around it. Kris can pump her milk and freeze it in her little labelled bottles; she is literally able to express her motherhood. All I can do is walk around in a haze bumping into things.
I enjoy seeing my son. This past week he has been shedding medical devices, tubes, and wires as he gets healthier. He is no longer under the strange blue lights they used to treat his jaundice so he doesn't have to wear an eye mask anymore. The thrill I get when he opens up his eyes and seems to stare right at me is indescribable, even though I'm sure I just look like a pile of shadows to him. Yes, I enjoy visiting him, but being in the NICU does not provide me with much comfort. I'm so scared of losing this little boy that all of the incidental lights and beeps of his monitors cause an overwhelming anxiety in me. I know that it is common for a preemie to have an apnea spell, or a momentary drop in his oxygen levels. But whenever his monitor starts whirring and beeping during one of these spells, I almost faint. Every time. I end up leaving the NICU more shaken than when I entered. I think I may need to stay away for a few days to reset my central nervous system, but then I feel guilty about not being there for Alex. Kris doesn't seem to have these problems, she takes it all in stride. I can already see our parenting styles beginning to take shape.
Yesterday when we entered the NICU we walked in on four of the nurses engaged in a heated philosophical/religious discussion. There were two atheists, a Catholic and an evangelical Christian discussing evolution, divine providence and the existence of miracles, which let's face it are probably not the best topics of discussion for two athiests, a Catholic, and a evangelical Christian. As one nurse put it to me: "things can get pretty heated in here after our 4pm coffee." She was right; these women were going at it, in a good natured kind of way. While I find it hard to believe that one could retain any sense of divine order after working in a NICU, it struck me that these women seemed even more sure of their individual belief systems precisely because of their experience in the NICU. What one woman sees as a triumph of science and technology, another sees simply as god's grace working through the skilled hands of the doctors and nurses. When word got out that I was on the side of the athiests, they tried to draft me into supporting their argument, but for once I knew to keep my mouth shut. I've never been able to comprehend people's ability to thank god for things that go right and then exonerate him for all the stuff that goes wrong, chalking it up to some mysterious divine plan. But I wasn't about to argue with any of these women who are nursing my son back to health. I politely declined the argument, saying "I'm not getting on anyone's bad side in the NICU!"
I know I'm getting off topic but there has been thankfully little to report about Alex. He is up to 7ccs of milk every three hours and things are going well. He is off his nasal cannula and has gained about 6 oz. We have been able to bathe him (he did not like) and hold him and he is without a doubt the most perfect tiny little baby I have ever seen. I'm sure they all say that, but seriously. He is.
Please check out Kris' blog. She's posting from the journal she kept while she was in the hospital trying to stave off labor.
Ten Months
14 years ago
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